Bedtime is when hearts pour out and secrets are shared. I think darkness too makes it easier to talk about fears, worries and many unclassifiable issues. The steady, faint light of the night lamp is just enough to see each others eyes and to note the change of expressions. It helps that we hold hands. Once the lights are out after reading a ‘book’ we enter the unpretentious world of heart to heart conversations. From the disappointment of a monkey bar that was too high to the thrills of swimming the width of the pool, we cover the entire range.
Last night after we had said good night and I had answered the ‘second last question’ and then, finally the ‘last question’, my four year old caressed my cold cheeks with her warm fingers and looked into my eyes, “Who should I marry, Amma?”
Stunned is the word that describes my reaction best.
In the dim blue light I saw that there was genuine concern on her face. Her eyes looked deep into mine. A few strands of her hair reached for my cheeks. They seemed warmer after her question. My mind was frantic for an answer. No, actually, it was frantic to find a way of dodging the question. One, it was too late at night and we had school next morning, and two, how are you to answer a question like that?
“You have a lot of time before you marry. There are many other things you would need to decide before that,” I said, readjusting the quilt. “But I need to make up my mind,” she said, her gaze fixed. This was a difficult one. She looked serious. No letting go easily. “Let’s talk about it tomorrow, with a well rested mind, it will be easier,” I said, hoping instantly that the question would be replaced by an easier one the next day. She continued looking at me. She believed me. It was a mix of swimming, scootering and running during the day that lulled her to sleep.
Her question kept me awake.
I don’t know if she will ask me this question when she is really thinking of getting married. But I will, for sure tell her then, as I do now, that there is a reason why our heads are on top. You need to think through everything first.
I don’t know (yet!) who she should marry, but here is what I do know.
I want her to be happy. And I would like her marriage to be a continuation of that happiness. Who she marries will become a big part of that, I hope. My aunt would say, “Happiness is an art, one has to learn it.” It is true. She will need to know that her happiness is in her hands and her own responsibility. I hope her partner will be an equal participant in the happiness, as hopefully she will be in his.
I want her to be healthy. She needs to know that she has to take the initiative and take care of her own health. I hope her partner will support her and share the enthusiasm for a healthy life.
I want her to be confident of her decisions and be equally confident in correcting a wrong one. It’s ideal to not make a mistake, but it is life to make them. Look at Lee Kwan Yew, he adapted ideas from all around the world and corrected what didn’t work. Look at what he made of Singapore! Just like him, have the heart and mind to acknowledge people and ideas, and also accept when you make a mistake. You will emerge stronger. Concentrate on correcting. Be open to criticism but be wary of critics. There will always be the odd people whining about a cup of tea that you supposedly missed serving them, move towards those who introduce you to new flavors of tea instead. Find company in the positive. I hope she and her partner will share positivity in their relationship. It will be healthy to agree and disagree and perfectly fine to change opinions after hearing the other out.
I want her to not just be literate but educated. You can go to the finest of schools, get the best of jobs with the highest of remunerations and perks, but if you don’t have empathy you will remain lonely and cold wherever you go- no matter where you go. Learn restraint, don’t loose words in vain. Work on how you talk. It is cool to inspire and encourage. It is not cool to demean and bitch. A louder voice
doesn’t make it correct, a softer one doesn’t mean it has no substance. I hope her partner understands and values the same.
I want her to know and believe in the power of communication. Never undermine a conversation. Show your appreciation, spell your appreciation. Talk about what’s working, what’s not, sort it out with spoken words not written ones. Share feelings. I hope as a couple they will enjoy conversations.
I want her to be respected for the person she is, for her values and thoughts. I want her to know that she has to earn respect. It doesn’t come wrapped in ribbons. I also want her to know that if she is not getting her due, she should not shy away from moving on. I hope her partner will not ask her to wait in the office parking lot instead of the reception, but supposing it does happen, I hope it will not stop her from gifting a single rose to her partner at work another day. I hope there will be no gaps in their public and personal acknowledgement of each other.
I want her to stand up for what she feels like. But to have made sure that it has been thought through. Say ‘No’ if it feels like a No. Say ‘Yes’ if it feels like Yes. It is fine to be different or seem different from the rest. Build your own paths, put your mind to that, rather than slump for hours in front of the television. I hope her partner too will enjoy real life more than televised life.
Stay informed. Observe. Read. Listen. Think. Share. Travel. Work hard, earn a living, but ensure you have a life with each other too. Stay safe, stay well and stay grounded. You are in charge of yourself, mentally and physically. Be truthful. Reevaluate relationships, work on them. Either of you are not a piece of furniture. Refuse to be treated as one.
Thousands of Indian women are celebrating Karva Chauth today for the long and healthy lives of their partners. Wives are staying away from food and water the entire day. They will pray to the moon in the evening and then break their fast. I hope by the time you decide to marry, husbands doing the same for their wives won’t be an exception, but the norm. We need balanced lives. Aim for balance.
I don’t know who you should marry, or will marry. I do know that if we use our heads first to think, chances are it would be a good decision. Do know that we are happy to use our heads with you, our hearts you have anyway.
